Work Text:
Pumpkin Patch Pervert
by Taleya
Author's webpage: http://www2.50megs.com
Pumpkin Patch Pervert
By Taleya
Quiet
Too quiet.
Jim cast a suspicious glance at his partner, relaxing slightly, then wincing as a snore ripped the air. Blair was sprawled in his seat, arm dangling by the gearshift, head tilted back and proclaiming his lack of consciousness loudly to the world
Satisfied, Jim turned his attention back to the road.
For once...it had been a good camping trip. No gunmen, no spiderbites, no bad water, not even a grizzly to disturb their vacation
Rather boring, really.
He slowed as he came to an intersection in the road, lights flicking up on a car by the side. Doors open, lights lit..
Blair snorted awake as they stopped, peering myopically through the windshield. "jim? stopped? why?"
"Car"
"oh"
Blair batted clumsily at the door lock, then slid out, staying close behind his partner as they approached the seemingly abandoned vehicle. Didn't they make horror movies that started this way?
Or was it porn films?
A lone figure was lit by the glaring headlights of both vehicles, wandering the empty pumkin patch by the road, searching for something.
As they watched, he bent, plucking a soft, ripe pumpkin from its crawler.
Blair squinted a little closer as the man did something to it, whistling merrily.
"Jim? Is it me or is that guy wearing no pants?"
Jim grunted
As they watched, the man lowered the pumpkin to his groin and began to thrust, very eagerly.
"Oh. My. GAWD!" Blair choked. "Jim - he's not --"
Jim pulled his badge and wearily advanced into the light. "Cascade PD."
The pumpkin patch perp froze like a startled rabbit, hands shooting up into the air, pumpkin still hanging from his groin like a demented party trick
"Excuse me, sir," Jim asked - just in case - "What are you doing to that pumpkin?"
"Pumpkin? What pumpkin?"
"That pumpkin."
"That pumpkin?"
"Yes, that pumpkin" shut up chief he could hear Blair sniggering in the background.
"Oh, this pumpkin?" the guy looked down as if he had never seen one before. "Um...what am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. Do you know what I'm doing?"
"It looks like you're performing an act of public indecency, sir." Bland vanilla was envious
"With a pumpkin? What kind of sicko do you think I am?
The man sighed and plucked his pumpkin, laying it at his feet. "Damn. It didn't used to be a pumpkin. Must be midnight"
Blair chuckled, sniggered, snorted, giggled, then finally just gave up and shouted with laughter as the man calmly pulled up his pants and presented his hands behind his back for cuffing
Jaw clenched so hard it nearly broke, Jim read the man his rights and held his head high as frog-marched the perp to the truck. Blair was almost squealing with laugher, clutching the hood of the car for support, one arm pressed across his stomach.
"hoo shit, Jim. Hooo shit!" he doubled over again. "I can see the headlines now... "Cop of the Year Catches Pumpkin Pumping Perp" He howled and thumped the hood with his palm, tears flowing freely down his face. "Veggie Violater Caught In Act." Choking on his own giggles, he lost control of his legs and sat on the hard ground with a thump, then toppled over onto his side. "We-we find the def-fendant g-guilty of v-v-vegetable raaaaaape!!!!" the last was lost in a pure scream of hilarity as he rolled onto his back and laughed up at the sky.
Jim secured the perp in the truck, then came back to stand behind his partner's giggling form as it convulsed with laughter.
"Shut up and get in the truck, Sandburg."
Blair slowly contained his laughter to occasional hics as his eyes travelled up his partner's form
...then lost all control at the sight of the sorry-looking squash in his hand.
"oh shit!!"
Jim looked down impassively as Blair sniggered, then howled, exploding into full laughter again. Snot started to run from his nose, groaning a little as his stomach muscles cramped with overuse. The Ellison mask was in full place, not reacting in the slightest.
"Sandburg..."
"oh man. oh man. oh man."
"Sandburg......"
"Jim? want me to 'bag' the evidence? get it? bag....."
"Sandburg..."
"HEE HEE HEE!!"
"Sandburg..."
"well, you k-know what they s-say about pump-kin pie, Jim...."
"Sandburg...."
"oh jesus, I think I'm gonna wet myself.."
Jim looked back at the perp waiting patiently in the truck and flashed him a thin smile
"Peter, peter, pumpkin fucker---oh fuck!!!!"
"SANDBURG!" Jim gave up and hooked his arms under the howling anthropologist's arms and dragged him into the truck. He started the engine and drove, eyes closed to the sniggering heap collapsed in the seat next to him
Blair turned in the seat, and faced the perp. "Hey...ever gobbled your squash, man?"
Jim nearly drove the truck into a tree
The heavy, steady, 1969 chassis nearly topped side on as it shook with roaring laughter. Even the perp got into the act.
Jim sighed and leaned his head on the steering wheel. It was gonna be a loooong drive to the station
But while he was down there, he let a smile cross his lips...
Soon the truck was shaking with the sounds of three voices
A 27-year-old white male resident of Wimbledon was arrested in a pumpkin patch on Friday, and charged with lewd behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.
He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.
The man failed to notice the approach of a Wimbledon Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"
End